A brief guide to all the races

We think this has to be posted too:

A brief guide to all the races

Date: 2009-07-13, 2:44AM EDT

People used to know about their neighbors, and far-off peoples that they came into contact with through trade or war, and didn’t have to debate about it for hours, scream and yell, and scratch their heads generation after generation wondering what the other guy was up to. Obviously this knowledge has been lost in modern America, at least among the dullards posting on the CL about it all day and night.

This corn-fed Swedish boy was raised on a freaking farm in the middle of nowhere, but has more common sense than most because he had some first generation immigrant parents born in slums and farms in Europe around 1900 who still knew what was up. So I’ll enlighten you.

I don’t believe in Race, it’s been scientifically discredited. No one reads the paper or pays attention in school anymore, and the word still means something to the masses. So here we go;

- European Americans: came from dirt, treated like slaves by rich masters and royalty, killed red men and farmed the land because it was a better living than starving to death as a serf owned by some inbred fucktard Duke of Whatsit back in the old country. Finally got uppity enough to kill their masters and make a free society for themselves. The rest of the story you know; Irish and Italian and Pollack and regular old English and German, you know plenty about them and how they act. Protestant, Catholic, whatever the flavor, there’s plenty written and filmed and televised about all of ‘em. Hated by ALL the rest of the races.

-African Americans: came from a tropical paradise or a jungle hellhole, depending on your point of view. Got kidnapped by greedy Arab, Spanish, and Jew slavers. Shipped to the New World, sold to greedy white English and Spanish assholes who wanted labor cheaper than the Irish and Scottish slaves that had gotten too uppity and were working their way towards a right to bear arms, vote, own land, etc. Got ridden hard for a while like ALL of our people’s were for millennia, then got busted free by Northern bible thumpers and urbanites who were bigoted against southern white trash hillbillies. Got a few breaks along the way through their own efforts and the help of liberal Quakers, Jews, and lots of other well-meaning white folks. Got the hell out of the South if they could. Still have an institutional memory of being treated like shit, and through Johnson’s ‘great society’ and their own internal fears and bigotries remain today largely screwed, mostly by each other. Feared by ALL the other races, loved by a few out of pity.

-Jews: started their religion 3-4 thousand years ago being told by Moses that they were a Chosen Race, chosen by God to be the best and brightest, richest, most badass, etc. This religion was a natural reaction to getting ridden hard like slaves in Egypt. They got the hell out of Dodge, fucked shit up in Canaan for a while, then got busted up eventually by the Romans, their own internal hippie revolutionaries like Jesus, and shipped out again all over the middle east and europe as slaves and serfs. They kept their heads, though, and kept their money in the family, and honored all their whacky hocus pocus along with education and commerce. Good for them, if they hadn’t looked out for themselves we wouldn’t even know about ‘em because they’d all be dead or bred out. They’ll sell you down the river in a heartbeat still today, but they’re rather honest about it, and their religion tells them to. Blacks and other fuckups could learn a lot from Jews. Hated by Blacks, mixed history with Whites.

-Latina/No/Hispanic/Mexistizo/Aztlatan: Still haven’t figured out what to call themselves. The ones who are pure blood whites from Spain, such as Argentinans, know it and despise the darker ones mixed up with the red man. Puerto Ricans get to look down on all the rest, too, because we own their island and they don’t have to wetback it into the country, they have a free pass here as a birth right. ALL the rest of them are mestizos, they were invented the day that Columbus landed. Spain never managed to kill all the red men, because there were way too many of them and they were too busy raping them and making half-half babies. Mexicans celebrate Columbus day as Dio del Raza, Day of the Race. They’re catholic, work like maniacs, don’t cause too much trouble on the east coast, are trying to take over the west coast like an old-school invasion, and will someday learn English, or will out-breed whitey and we’ll all have to learn Spanish. Like army ants, they work hard and never ever stop. They will inherit the earth. Hated by Blacks, each other, and tolerated more and more by Whites.

-Asians, Yellow: got shipped in to build railroads and mine where there were no Blacks or Irish to do the job. Eventually brought their families and, like the Jews, kept a low profile, built great communities for themselves, keep the money in the family, and sent the kiddos to college. All the races could learn from these guys; sort of army-ant like the LatiNo, but with patience to sit just about any shitstorm out for a thousand years and then come out from under the rubble with their pockets full of gold. Hated by Blacks and fewer and fewer Whites who’s granpappy done got his ass skewered back in Yang Moon and seen his buddy’s head explode over Margret Cho.

-Asians, Brown: Indians and Pakis and Sikhs, oh my! Billion year old histories with way too much caste system bullshit in their system. They treat service staff like servants because that’s what they’re used to, if they’re rich. If they’re poor, they act much like Yellow Asians, but are less pretty and more vulgar. Don’t hide away in their own communities, assimilate pretty well. Hated by: each other, Whites, Blacks.

-Arabs/Persians: behaved like princes, real royal pals, to Americans, until around the 60′s when they got fed up with our support of Israel. Now they’re scary, live by the sword, seduce Blacks into joining up, and require regular carpet bombing. That is, except for the other 98% of them who behave more like Brown Asians, which many of them actually are. Hated by: ALL Jews (they have to or mommy will spank them, it’s in the Bible), Whites.

-Recent European Immigrants: live and act like runway models, get laid all the time because of their sexy accents/exotic whatevers, then immediately assimilate or go back home in disgust at what we’re up to in the US. Hated by: no one ever meets these people except other whites, who want to make a LOT of babies with them.

-Recent African Immigrants: Behave like Brown Asians. Hard work, but bad odds. Hated by just about everyone, because they’re Black, Immigrants, and native Blacks hate them the most because they’re proving that people with JET BLACK skin can get ahead in this country through hard work and discipline. Throws the Native Blacks into a tizzy. They thrive in places like DC, make communities for themselves, and are going to assimilate and be middle class by noon tomorrow.

I’ll do a followup on Greenlanders, Micronesians, and Finns some other time. It’s late.

Now that the ENTIRE RACE PROBLEM is SOLVED, let’s all just be cool and get along, alright?

Special thanks to a Jersey Jew named Craig:

Tags: race

Saw you on the Diag – m4w

Saw you on the Diag… – m4w

Date: 2010-01-30, 4:36PM EST

You were the chick in a backpack wearing Uggs, black tights, a Northface jacket, and a headband. I was the guy wearing Michigan sweatpants, a parka, and a Michigan beanie. Hit me up, we could stare vapidly into each others’ eyes without a single thought between us.

• Location: UofM

Tags: vapid staring

Calling all desperate, loser schlubs

Calling all desperate, loser schlubs

Date: 2009-04-10, 10:43PM PDT

Are you a loser, aged 37-50? Are you a lonely, pathetic schlub who can’t get any closer to a woman than a 900 number? Do you despair of having a woman speak to you respectfully, let alone date you or touch you? Well, sugar, it’s your lucky night. Because a respectable, clean, intelligent, independent, witty, financially secure woman who is fed up with trying to get the attention of respectable, clean, intelligent, independent, witty, financially secure men will seriously consider your offer. Pretty boys, frat brats, software millionaires, endlessly self-promoting Micronerds, salsa-dancing midlife-crisis-clinic navel-gazers, self-obsessed Mountaineers, Dockers-clad Boeing bores, aging hipsters who masturbate to their own blogs…step off, back of the yellow line! Make way for the humble, the beer-gutted, the morbidly obese, the mulleted, the untouchable, the harijans, the rejected! You are my kind of men; you, the repulsive, the socially retarded, are my brothers from another mother.

Tags: losers

Hipster girls of Austin – m4w

Hipster girls of Austin – m4w

Date: 2009-09-22, 12:21AM CDT

I see you, cute hipster girls of Austin. I see you rocking that Deep V wheelset at the Thursday night social ride, or writing the next great American collection of poems at the corner table at Quack’s, or browsing the Mamet archives at the Harry Ransom Center, or listening to the XX on your iPod at a bus stop because the Dirty Projectors are so two months ago. I see you with your wisely chosen and very artful and very sexy tattoos, your carefully-but-not-too-carefully maintained hair, perhaps with highlights of an unusual, biologically impossible color. I see you with your impeccably snazzy clothes, no doubt skillfully curated from countless Cream Vintage visits.

And I just want all of you to know: you are all very hot. Every Pitchfork-reading, farmer’s-market-shopping, liberal-arts-college-educated inch of you.

I know I can never be with you, cute hipster girl. My bicycle has not only brakes, but multiple gears. It is, in fact, a hybrid, the fanny pack of the bicycle world. I am entirely free of tattoos. My facial hair is patchy at best, so I am unable to grow a beard. I live west of I-35. I am not a member of a lo-fi shoegaze indie pop band that sometimes gigs at Progress Coffee, and indeed I can’t play any musical instruments. I can’t even play the ukulele, the fanny pack of the indie rock world. I find Wes Anderson somewhat tedious, and I have not read a single issue of McSweeney’s in anything even vaguely resembling its entirety. My jeans do not hug my legs, and I do not have a single stylishly retro vest or hat in my closet. I rarely listen to KUT or KVRX. Although I own a Moleskine, I have to be honest with you: I don’t really write in it that much. I went to the Chuck Close show at the Austin Museum of Art and I’m pretty sure I didn’t get it. I shop at HEB and not Wheatsville.

My appreciation of Hall and Oates is entirely non-ironic. I occasionally eat meat.

But the biggest problem, hipster girl of Austin, is that you’re just too intimidating in your good taste and vaguely-counterculture-but-not-threateningly-eccentric hotness for me to ever work up the pluck to talk to you. I know I will never be cool enough. Le sigh.

But that’s okay. You still brighten my vinyl happy hours at Waterloo Records and my Shangri-La visits. Thank you, hipster girl. You rock my world, and you make it look so easy. Carry on with your Bianchi Pista self.

Tags: hipsters

please help me win my wife back

please help me win my wife back

Date: 2010-02-07, 12:54AM CST

Hi,

Well, this is weird. But thanks for clicking and reading.

I don’t even know what terms to use. Beautician? Stylist? I haven’t been cool for 20+ years, so please just let me talk.

I am a white man who is 46 years old. I’m a dad of teenagers. Middle class.

My wife of many years and I are having big fights, and I want to woo her back. Part of the plan is to not look like the 46-year-old slob that I fear she sees.

I’m no bumpkin–but I’m no metrosexual, either. Honestly, I’m clueless as to fashion, looks, etc.

So what I’m hoping to find: someone (in my mind, it’s a woman in her 30s who is young enough to be hip and mature enough to understand me) who will spend a day with me making me more attractive to my wife.

If this sounds weird to you, please don’t respond. If you find this ridiculous, please move on.

But if you want to help a decent guy who is in love with his wife, please write. She’s back in town on Wednesday–I want my hair and skin and clothes and whatever else to look awesome by then.

I will pay $200 for 8 hours of consulting. You would need to listen to me about the things I know she likes (like curls at the back of my hair), and not try to make me look like I’m 20-something, or anything else I’m not. But I’m very open to a fresh perspective. And, of course, you would need to be respectful, and in earnest.

When you get right down to it, we’re all just really trying, right? I need some help. I’m no creeper–I’m not trying to meet someone, or whatever–maybe you’re not a 30-something woman, maybe you’re a 20- or 80-something gay man or whatever–I don’t care. I’m just a middle-aged guy who needs some help in looking as best he can (which won’t be much) to try to win his wife back. If you can help, please get in touch.

It’ll be a challenge: I have braces, and a bald spot! Well, you play the hand you’re dealt.

My wife is the love of my life, and I want nothing more than to be the best I can be for her.

Thanks for reading–I hope you can help–